PERSONAL: World Mental Health Day




So yesterday was World Mental Health day. I possibly should have written this post then but it was too lengthy and honestly draining to write.

I'm Mariah. I suffer from depression, anxiety and Body Dsymorphic Disorder. And no, I haven't just googled those terms and self diagnosed myself. I've been told this by my GP and councillor 

I'm sure you've read the story about me getting ill and putting on weight so I'll save you those details, but I'll explain what was going on in my head during those days.

When I looked in the mirror I never could see myself. I felt like an alien in my own body. I was always in pain, had to have weekly blood tests, and take 11 tablets a day. I felt horrible. I would spend most of my days crying in my room, eating and hating myself. There were more and more arguments within my friendship group. I was being bitched about and had some horrible rumours spread about me. I refused to leave my bed let alone my room. I felt like there was no point me even waking up and living.

So I started speaking to a councillor about everything. It was great to talk to someone about how I was feeling without feeling like a burden. He taught me a lot. One thing that really stuck with me when dealing with anxiety is that you need to think about what IS not what IF. He also told me to remove myself from situations that cause me to feel bad about myself. As much as I love my family, some comments were made and truly hurtful so I moved out. I also stopped talking to some people. Even though I can feel ridiculously lonely at times I know I can be surrounded by good decent people.

I've never taken any anti depressants or anxiety tablets as I feel like I take far too many tablets a day to deal with any more. I try to focus on bettering myself, I refuse to let it beat me. At the peak of my depression I really focused on university work and ended up getting at 2:1 in Media and communications. Regarding my body and how I feel when I look in the mirror I do exercise. I try and not let get ridiculously obsessed with dieting and exercise. It's a really slippery slope as I know it's so easy to not eat in order to get to the 'perfect' number for me on the scale or to get obsessed with the stretch marks on my skin and think everyone is looking at me. Its taking baby steps to completely accepting myself. I'm lucky that I have a really supportive boyfriend (and his family) to help me when times get really rough.

I'm never going to say I'm cured or that everything is going to be better soon,but at this moment in time... I'm okay. I'm learning how to balance work/life/blogging and exercise. I'm getting back to being social, even if it means having to be in the same room as someone who makes me uncomfortable. I'm learning not to be obsessive with my food choices and not listen if someone comments on what I'm eating. I'm learning to control my breathing when I'm about to have an anxiety attack (and have an awesome playlist to listen to). I have a job that I actually love... or maybe I just love my workmates. I have a great relationship with my boyfriend even though he doesn't separate his colours and darks when it comes to washing.

So this is for everyone suffering with mental health issues. It's okay, and you're okay but don't suffer in silence. If your leg was on fire you wouldn't be quiet about it so don't be silent because you can't see your pain. If anyone is feeling depressed or anything I am seriously always here. Just drop an email or DM on twitter and I'll gladly listen.

Lots of Love
Mariah
xoxo


2 comments

  1. This was such a lovely and open post that I can hand on heart relate to. Keep on smiling honey. Always here to support you xxx

    Lea
    http://www.sincerelyshug.co.uk/

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  2. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that, but you've done amazingly well and you should be proud of how far you've come. Getting rid if the horrible people in your life is such a hard step, but sadly something you have to do, and something I'm going through at the moment.

    I'm happy that you're feeling so much better now, you're amazing :)

    Hazel xx

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