Struggles

Hello all, How is everyone doing?

This post is going to be a personal one. I hope you don't mind.

I'm sure i've mentioned that I'm not the healthiest person around and here's the reason why.

In 2010, I found it difficult to climb stairs, get up off the sofa and walk fast. I went to the doctors who said I needed a blood test. When the results came back my CK levels were 22,000. To be honest I can't even tell you what CK does or is, but it happens when your muscles are damaged. CK levels are normally raised after a heart attack...and I definitely haven't had one of those. Normal levels are 30 - 135 so I was wayyyy over. I was put in hospital for three weeks while doctors monitored my CK Levels. Staying in hospital was horrid...I actually witnessed someone die in front of me.

On release I was given steroids to take to make the levels go down. I started at 60mg- 11 tablets per day. At first I was happy that I wouldn't be ill any more until I started to get the side effects. I found it difficult to sleep days after being home but I figured that was due to being in the hospital and the  death of that old woman. 
Before Getting ill. Wow my arm was skinny
But as the months went on I noticed the weight gain. From being a size 8 and weighing 8.5 st I ballooned to a size 12 14st. My face had puffed up so much my eyes constantly looked like they were half closed. It shattered by confidence, and I also started to get anxiety attacks. I lost friends because I was ashamed to go out, the anxiety of getting the tube to places was too much and the most upsetting... when people just didn't care that I was ill. I got ridiculously depressed. I constantly felt like I was falling in a deep hole and couldn't climb out. I used to cry myself to sleep because I hated myself so much and didn't want to wake up in the morning.
Puffy Moon Face

Along with the steroids I was put on methotrexate. Its normally used to treat cancer patients as it lowers your immune system. The side effects of this drug aren't great either. I always feel sick and lose my hair when I take them.

On February 14th 2013, I thought that I had taken my last dose of steroids. I was finally happy. All the exercise and eating healthy had paid off. I continued to eat healthy and was starting yoga to build my muscle strength
A cheeky old OOTD photo. 8 months after last steroids dose

 Last week I was told that my CK levels have risen again. Only to 1500, but that's still high.  I don't even feel ill or weak. My initial reaction was 'Shit I can't go through this again' and I spent ages crying on my bedroom floor. I'm only starting on 15mg which is a much lower dose so hopefully the side effects won't be that bad. I realised I HAVE been through this before and I'm not gonna let it get to me. I've devised a diet plan and exercise plan, and already planned things to do that keep me happy.

So..thats my personal blog over...let the embarrassment commence. I will most likely use this as an output for when I'm feeling down or wanna discuss the challenges I'm going to have to face

Comments below as always

Mariah
xoxo





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